Mailwatch "So-Called" Forum

(There've been threads in a similar vein in the past but there's no harm in a new one).

Any dissenting comments on the Mail website must come from Labour HQ.

Everyone on benefits has a big massive plasma tv.

All the media except the Daily Mail is left wing (especially the BBC).

Only people on benefits vote Labour.

Only right wing nutters can be patriotic.

Everyone in the public sector is overpaid and unnecessary (apart from those wonderful doctors and nurses and Our Boys in Afghanistan). And they all speak in a voice that's a sort of cross between Ken Livingstone and Sid the Manager from the old Radio 1 Steve Wright show.

Crime is committed by Other People. I simply indulge in sharp practice, give people a bit of rough justice, and like to see what my car can get up to.

Criminals are sent to holiday camps. Council Tax refusers are sent to somewhere that makes a Gulag look soft.

Anything new is Bad until proved Safe. Then we decide we were behind it all the time.

The worst thing about Gays, Forrins, etc is not that they exist - after all, we have to have people to look down on - but that they seem to be enjoying their existence a little too much.

David Jason falling over in a bar is the funniest thing ever.

The Great British Public just can't get enough Hitler pictures.

Being an expat makes you an expert on every subject you can think of. Mail readers hang on your every word, in fact they probably buy the Mail or look online just for your pearls of wisdom.

no one reads the guardian, but everyone who dislikes the mail reads the guardian.

there is nothing wrong with that logic.

All teachers are former KGB officers and schools are factories for turning children into loyal citizens of a new Soviet Union*

* It's true, I read it in a Peter Hitchens column.

The BBC is a communist conspiracy to turn the entire country into gay atheists. That said, isn't Cranford brilliant?

The BBC is bad because I pay for it directly. Unlike every other channel which I don't pay for in any way, direct or indirect, at all.

In fact, it is so corrupt and unfit for purpose (its purpose being to solemnly announce state events and then show a bit of old football) that it regularly airs shows devoted to advertising the musicals of theat well-known leftie Andrew Lloyd-Webber. These are, even worse, presented by a keen Gayer who's a Mick to boot.

ITV would never stoop this low - I mean, to have one of the major figures on its big Saturday night show use the programme as a platform to launch a new act they've just taken on as manager, or to sing their new single....

The Mail and its columnists speak for the silent majority.

Littlejohn speaks sense.

All infamous murderers of recent times (ie Huntley, Venables, Thompson) are a product of the Nu-Labour education system.

All single mums are like Shannon Matthews mum.

The Great Train Robbery wasn't a proper crime, not like what you get today.

Youth crime and gang culture didn't exist before 1997.

If nobody questions you, you are right.

If someone questions you, They are trying to shut you up for speaking the truth.

Unless it's something WE enjoy, in which case it will be swiftly banned by elf'n'safety

- Illegal immigrants can vote
- Illegal immigrants get benefits
- Those benefits are higher than those paid to British citizens
- You can be tried for a crime under Sharia law in the UK
- Judges are unqualified to weigh up the facts of a case and decide on an appropriate sentence
- You are not allowed to sweep your own driveway because of Health & Safety
- Toddlers are taught bumsex at school by the PC brigade
- Facebook is a place where paedophiles are notified of your child joining, and given a chance to inspect all their photos before being given your home address
- Children are dangerous creatures with a sinister sub-culture, unless they get murdered, in which case they were high-achieving angels with great potential

Richard Littlejohn lives in north London

Oooh where to start!

1) Single mothers are all evil slappers who deserve what's coming to them. They are supported completely by "the rest of us" and do nothing useful.
2) Working mothers, see point 1. They are evil and neglect their children and we are paying them to do it!
3) Married, at home mothers with wealthy husbands are perfect and beyond reproach, as are their equally perfect middle class offspring.
4) Teachers are lefty hippies who get about 50 weeks a year off work and an enormous salary for doing nothing except indoctrinating children to vote for liebour.
5) Middle class people are just putting the world to rights, not comitting crime if they are caught speeding, littering, drink driving etc. Ditto for pensioners, who are all war heroes.
6) The low paid or unemployed have only themselves to blame for their station in life. They should in fact tug their forelock every time they see their betters (mailites). They pay for their carribean cruise, 4x4 and 42" plasma TV that all "pondlife" qualify for right.
7) Brown people - see point 6. Maybe they can't help being foreign but they can help being here.

1) Black Britons can only ever be musicians or athletes. If they do anything else they can't possibly be British
2) All immigrants are both job stealers and on benefits.
3) All immigrants want to come to the UK
4) The UK has always been a christian nation, and the bits of history that happened before the conversion of the populace had no affect whatsoever on the traditions and language of the country now
5) All muslims want to take over all of Europe which, like the UK, has always been christian
6) Muslims are all benefit cheats (they are the exception that proves rule 2, in that they are all lazy jobless layabouts) who get mansions to house them and their 12 kids
7) New Labour is exactly equivalent to Zanu PF, despite not actually having banned dissent and had their oponents imprisoned, raped, murdered and fuck knows what other horrors.
The Black Policemen's association doesn't allow white people to join

You say that, my Mail-reading grandmother once saw Colin Jackson lining up for Britain in some athletics competition or other and said "well he can't be British".

Mind you, she didn't realise Dale Winton was gay until about 6 months ago...