Mailites & Sadomasochism

McSnark · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:11 pm

Carlos The Badger wrote:

McSnark wrote:

...the monstrous cretin who taught Home Economics and tried to tell me, a boy from an Italian family, that al dente was not the proper way to serve pasta.

Of all the crimes against humanity and common sense you mention above that, surely, is the most heinous. They should have been hung upside by fish hooks in their genitalia for daring to suggest such a thing!

I was twelve, goddamnit. How was I supposed to know that in Scotland you were expected to boil the pasta until it resembled a worm's innards, and that you were supposed to serve it in a bleached-white mound of pus-like consistency with a dollop of nasty "bolognese" sauce splattered on top it, as though a tomato had experienced explosive shits?

We won't touch the vapour-inducing way she demanded we make treacle tart. All I'm going to say are three words: microwave. Magma. Salmonella.

(You don't want to know about the boy in my class who threw a kitchen knife at her...)

oboogie · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:13 pm

Carlos The Badger wrote:

McSnark wrote:

...the monstrous cretin who taught Home Economics and tried to tell me, a boy from an Italian family, that al dente was not the proper way to serve pasta.

Of all the crimes against humanity and common sense you mention above that, surely, is the most heinous. They should have been hung upside by fish hooks in their genitalia for daring to suggest such a thing!

I'm sorry to say that this

is my memory of how pasta is served in Scotland.

Maybe that's what McSnark's teacher was driving at.

McSnark · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:19 pm

oboogie wrote:

Carlos The Badger wrote:

McSnark wrote:

...the monstrous cretin who taught Home Economics and tried to tell me, a boy from an Italian family, that al dente was not the proper way to serve pasta.

Of all the crimes against humanity and common sense you mention above that, surely, is the most heinous. They should have been hung upside by fish hooks in their genitalia for daring to suggest such a thing!

I'm sorry to say that this

is my memory of how pasta is served in Scotland.

Maybe that's what McSnark's teacher was driving at.

That old fuckwit would have *loved* that.

BTW - she demanded that we boil the pasta for a minimum of twenty minutes to ensure that the egg in the pasta was "properly cooked". Yes. Quite. Really.

Carlos The Badger · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:20 pm

I'm not too sure exactly what I'm looking at above - and I really DON'T want to know, either.

That, and McSnark's description, has made me feel quite nauseous, but also makes me realise that the plate of Alphabetti Spaghetti I was once served really wasn't all that bad in comparison.

McSnark · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:23 pm

Carlos The Badger wrote:

I'm not too sure exactly what I'm looking at above - and I really DON'T want to know, either.

That, and McSnark's description, has made me feel quite nauseous, but also makes me realise that the plate of Alphabetti Spaghetti I was once served really wasn't all that bad in comparison.

In some Italian delis, you can buy bags of dried pasta alphabet shapes. I love 'em.

Abernathy · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:33 pm

It's a macaroni pie. Believe it or not, it's one of the healthier incarnations of the Scotch pie. I prefer the original version.

McSnark · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:47 pm

Abernathy wrote:

It's a macaroni pie. Believe it or not, it's one of the healthier incarnations of the Scotch pie. I prefer the original version.

See, I can make Scotch Pies and the variety I make is with lamb mince. Unlike the ones you get in shops (and my home economics class...), mine doesn't drip with fat. It's all to do with the meat you use - if you buy one from a butchers or chippie, they're usually made with beef mince, whereas lamb mince - which is the traditional filling, dontchaknow - is lower in fat and damned more tasty.

Carlos The Badger · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:00 pm

Macaroni pie? I nearly had a Peter Kay cheese cake moment there. Which was unfortunate as I find his particular brand of humour a bit tiresome nowadays.

As for the Scotch pie... yes, I have come across that particular beast before. Unfortunately that was also a traumatic affair - bought to me courtesy of FarmFoods frozen section (£1.99 for 4, I believe) via one of my less 'discerning' (read - tight as fuck) relatives.

oboogie · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:15 pm

I only made the Mac Pie mistake once.
In a chipper in Aberdeen.
After the pub.
Goaded on by a Scottish 'mate' who told me they were "fine".
I estimate that it had been reheated at least six times over the last couple of days and kept warm for at least 2 hours each time. The macaroni was so rubbery that, when I bit it it stuck to my top teeth and came away whole in a solid disc of murdered pasta. The pastry was so hard that it cut my top lip and my gum and was a bit like biting a coffee mug.
Twat then confessed "Aye, they're always like that, that's why I never touch them" :evil:

McSnark · **Posted:** Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:43 pm

Yeah, chip shop food is to be avoided at best. Scotland's the only part of the UK that thinks a deep fried Creme Egg is acceptable. Not to mention the Mars bars, the Bounty bars, the half-chickens and the steak pies, the double-battered pakora (where chicken pakora, which is already in a spicy batter, is dunked in chip shop batter and twice-fried) and the Pizza Crunch supper...

SewerUrchin · **Posted:** Sun Sep 04, 2011 3:14 am

My food tech (no home economics here, I'm all modern and stuff) teacher was a fucking nightmare. She looked exactly like Gail Platt from Coronation Street, and once threw a rolling pin at me because, age 11, I asked her how long to boil pasta for. She also shouted at me when I hurt my fingers on the sewing machine because I was bleeding on the stuffed toy I was making.
She also constantly went on about how HER kids could cook a three course meal and sew their own clothes from scratch by the age of two, and we were all pathetic spoiled ninnies for not knowing how to do this already, etc. I once saw her in town with her kids. They looked horribly depressed, and, despite being about seven and ten, had the world-weary look of unhappily married, balding middle-aged men about them. Poor sods.

McSnark · **Posted:** Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:57 am

Yeah, but you can take some comfort in the fact that when they drive that witch into a canal, they can stuff her body and then sew it up in an adorable quilted cover before fucking her off a cliff. My sewing teacher (we had one for cooking and one for sewing, dontchaknow) was brilliant, a proper hippy who wore her own hand-made clothes and had a thing for wanting everyone to use her class for fun. We were given a task to do one month where we had to design and make our own cushion cover (oh, the thrill of it all!) but we were not allowed to make it plain. If we made it one colour, we would automatically fail. Bonkers, but utterly brilliant.

Bones McCoy · **Joined:** Mon Aug 16, 2010 9:08 am **Posts:** 7339

oboogie wrote:

Carlos The Badger wrote:

McSnark wrote:

...the monstrous cretin who taught Home Economics and tried to tell me, a boy from an Italian family, that al dente was not the proper way to serve pasta.

Of all the crimes against humanity and common sense you mention above that, surely, is the most heinous. They should have been hung upside by fish hooks in their genitalia for daring to suggest such a thing!

I'm sorry to say that this

is my memory of how pasta is served in Scotland.

Maybe that's what McSnark's teacher was driving at.

In a similar vein (The joys of Scottish Cuisine)
My nephew was threatened with some kind of reporting punishment for "Sabotaging" the curry.
I trundled up to the school to see what the problem was - he put in too much chilli powder.

I sent up some samples of home cooking to the staff room, and the issue was solved.

McSnark · **Posted:** Tue Sep 06, 2011 7:09 pm

Don't get me started on curry. My school had a thing for "chicken curry and chips" on a Thursday (vomit). All I remember wasn't the taste? But the colour. It was the most brilliant, violent shade of orange-yellow you've ever seen. I remember one of the boys in my class claiming that it made him shit yellow. Made me violently ill, that's for damned sure.

Timbo · **Posted:** Fri Sep 16, 2011 10:05 am

Bring back the cane, say half of parents as Cameron pledges to restore order in schools following riots
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... riots.html

Needless to say, the majority of comments are one-handed:

Quote:

Never mind the cane, they should bring back the BIRCH, that'll put a stop to these unruly ferals!
- Sally, Hampshire, 16/9/2011 7:11

Quote:

Will the cane be used on girls or will we see the usual sexism in schools?
- Rooinek, Smallville, England., 16/9/2011 7:22

Quote:

Forget the cane, it should be public flogging and it should be done by the victims of crime!
- David Bailey, Mangravet. Maidstone, 16/9/2011 8:18

Quote:

The birch would be better, and don't forget the strap.
- mikey, staffs, 16/9/2011 8:16

Quote:

Bad behaviour HAS to be punished.......'spareth the rod, ruineth the child'!!! When will our pathetic, child-pandering society realise this!!!
- John H, Bolton, 16/9/2011 7:07

... I could go on, but I'd be here all day

Mailites & Sadomasochism

Who is online