You try being a Daily Mail columnist...

Daley Mayle · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 2:40 pm

...and see how easy it is!

I'm sure that's what columnists from the Mail must think when they log on here and read what has been written about their work.

There's a lot of writing talent on here and I reckon we could do better. Or just as badly. Choose a topical subject and go for it.

No prizes but a warm glow knowing that Mail writers will be gnashing their teeth with the thought, 'I wish I wrote that' or even, 'they're taking the piss'.

Arnold · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 3:26 pm

Quote:

London Olympics 'raise risk of cancer by 50%'
By DAILY MAIL COLUMNIST

The warning comes after researchers studied the health of more than 3,000 spectators at the 1948 Olympics. A much higher percentage of them had died of cancer compared to spectators at the 2008 Chinese Olympics.
2012 spectators have been advised not to panic, but to mention to their GPs where they have been if they feel ill.

ponce on the heath · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 3:54 pm

Quote:

FURY at Archbishop's Latest Outburtst
DAILY MAIL REPORTER

Firebrand Archbishop "Rowan" Williams has created yet more controversy following a speech made to his congregation last week. The openly homosexual clergyman has attracted flak in the past for his left-field facial hair and infamous refusal to enforce key tenets of the Christian faith.

It is believed that during one of his typically left-wing sermons, Williams made numerous allusions to Israel's disputed role within the Occupied Territories,called for Shia Amal founder Imam Moussa Sadr to be beatified and proposed all sects of the Church to move towards a Synod ruled over by Sharia council (at taxpayer expense). Within hours, literally integers of complaints were received and numerous newspaper columnists called for the now "disgraced" Archbishop to resign.

Joyce Tanner, a retired grandmother and member of the Archbishop's parish said:

"I must have missed the really controversial stuff. All I remember is being told Jesus was Palestinian."

Carlos The Badger · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 4:35 pm

You two better attach this to those — ©

Without it (and even with it) they'll appear in tomorrow's edition for sure.

Daley Mayle · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 4:41 pm

Olympics are a great excuse for flag waving but make sure it's the right one!

<insert crap cartoon by Gary>

You couldn't make it up! The fat cats who have had seven years to organise the Olympics have caused a nuclear exchange between North and South Korea (can you check this Steve? Ta mate) because of a flag cock-up and who could blame them?
The whole sorry spectacle reminds me of a Python sketch...

A customer enters a flag shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to complain about this flag what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Korean flag...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's wrong, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, it's definitely a Korean flag

C: Look, matey, I know a Korean flag when I see one, and I'm not looking at one right now.

O: No no it ain't wrong! Remarkable flag the Koreans have, idn'it, ay? Beautiful colours!

C: The colours don't enter into it. It's wrong. It's the South Korean flag. I asked for a North Korean flag

O: It's still a bit Korean

<Or maybe Dads Army would work better. Steve, can you ask Paul what he thinks?>

Carlos The Badger · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 4:45 pm

Too funny for the ShiteRag. And like mentioned above, LittleDick'll making off with that to use in his column tomorrow if yer not careful.

I'd do one meself but I'm a bit busy with this bloody big cat at the moment.

oboogie · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 5:09 pm

Carlos The Badger wrote:

Too funny for the ShiteRag. And like mentioned above, LittleDick'll making off with that to use in his column tomorrow if yer not careful.

"They all look the same though don't they these Korea flags?"

Arnold · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:28 pm

Quote:

What are friends? Last week, Shona Sibary described the pain of being dropped by a friend, and SAMANTHA BRICK says she probably had it coming. Now Liz Jones says she doesn't understand.

By LIZ JONES

Arnold · **Posted:** Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:51 pm

I've got hopes for this one as he seems to have gone AWOL.

Quote:

The barmy elf 'n' safety fears which stopped gardener using chainsaw with only one leg on the ladder.
By RICHARD LITTLEJOHN

For the past 15 years, John Holland has been using a chainsaw without cutting off any of his body parts. Yet thanks to the jobsworth HSE, he's been fined £6000 with £2000 costs for not using protective clothing or safety equipment.
Mr Holland insists he should not have been fined because he always stands with only one leg on the ladder, and has only fallen off once.

Loosely based on http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... z21kgMC8wz

Bones McCoy · **Joined:** Mon Aug 16, 2010 9:08 am **Posts:** 7321

Carlos The Badger wrote:

You two better attach this to those — ©

Without it (and even with it) they'll appear in tomorrow's edition for sure.

The © is for ©unt.

Bones McCoy · **Joined:** Mon Aug 16, 2010 9:08 am **Posts:** 7321

Arnold wrote:

Quote:

What are friends? Last week, Shona Sibary described the pain of being dropped by a friend, and SAMANTHA BRICK says she probably had it coming. Now Liz Jones says she doesn't understand.

By LIZ JONES

And then Amanda said they were all bitches because they had better handbags.

But Janet said it was all those bastard men's fault, so they all had more spritzers and started singing "I will survive", except Samantha who didn't understand.

Captain VXR · **Posted:** Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:18 am

Just ONE ecstasy pill can 'give kittens leukemia'
By bored unpaid workfare intern

In a shocking new discovery pulled out of my small intestine, a scientific study carried out by the University of Pyongyang has discovered that feeding kittens MDA and then exposing them to massive doses of radiation increases their chances of getting leukemia.

This shows how we should ban ALL DRUGS WITH MANDATORY DEATH SENTENCES FOR PERSONAL POSSESSION, with the exception of the completely harmless alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, something the do-gooder elf n safety pc brigade have tried to claim otherwise about.

It can be noted that illegal drugs are consumed in FOREIGN COUNTRIES, which shows that illegal drug taking leads to COMMUNIST MULTICULTURAL GAY BUMSEX ORGIES.

In other news, durka dur.

Giant f*cking Sudoku · **Posted:** Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:40 am

Quote:

A PERFECTLY DECENT CHAP WITH SOME REASONABLE IDEAS
Editorial
1938

Quote:

NOW WHITE PEOPLE TO BECOME BLACK
By ENOCH STARKEY

Quote:

MEET THAT AWFUL MARK ZUCKERBERG AND HIS SLANTY-EYED MISSUS
By A SEQUENCE OF FACEBOOK SCREENCAPS AND EMBEDDED AFFILIATE TRACKING LINKS WHEN YOU CLICK THE PAGE, CH££RS

Quote:

BRITISH WOMEN PREFER WATCHING BRIEF ENCOUNTER TO ACTUAL LOVEMAKING
By DAILY MAIL REPORTER (IN HER 70s)

Quote:

A PERFECTLY DECENT CHAP CALLED GORDON WITH SOME REASONABLE IDEAS
Editorial
2002

Big Rob · **Posted:** Fri Jul 27, 2012 1:55 am

Columnist or journalist?

Giant f*cking Sudoku · **Posted:** Fri Jul 27, 2012 2:20 am

They don't have journalists, just 5th columnists, à la Went The Day Well?

You try being a Daily Mail columnist...

Who is online