Ex-pat - a find upstanding citizen who lives in a Brits-only ghetto, drinks in the Red Lion pub, reads British newspapers, won't eat "that foreign muck" and shouts in English as there's no need to learn the local language. Can often be found on websites bemoaning immigrants' failure to integrate into British society without a hint of irony or self-awareness.

Post Code Lottery Demanding what every body else has regardless of wether it is any good for you.

The EU. Run by Europeans for the benefit of the French

The BNP Vile disgusting fringe political party that has some very interesting Tory policies

The BBC Subversive organisation funded by a stealth tax

Migrant Worker The easily exploited

British Airways Private Sector company run by the Unions

TV & showbiz Anything with Kate Moss in it

Health special

NHS Nasty public sector monstrosity, that refuses to wisely spend money on drugs we demand that don't work. Employs only 1 doctor and 2 nurses, with the rest of the staff managers and bureacrats.

MRSA Superbug disease found in NHS hospitals. Not spread by government cleaning cutbacks.

Cancer: a life-threatening disease caused by everything, and cured by everything else. Courtesy of Moggie

AIDS A disease that affects only gays

STD A disease that affects promiscuous young people. Not to be confused with an abreviation of "standards" or "Stansted Airport".

Doctor A professional with Private Health insurance, who costs on average an outrageous 1/8th of Littlejohn's salary to employ.

Nurse A person who's job it is to wipe our arse when we're in hospital

Ambulance A blue light taxi for our use

Prescription charge A health stealth tax

1001 uses for vinegar book An amazing medical textbook that no self respecting doctor should be without

Homeopathy A genuine treatment for all that ails ya.

Magic Crystals A branch of homeopathy that works.

Prescription Drugs Nasty tablets that don't work.

Recreational drugs Bad

Daily Mail syndrome A genuine disease in which one has read a story in ones newspaper, and is convinced they are suffering from said disease.

Quack A true professional doctor, willing to prescribe what I think I need.

BUPA Where I would want to go if I'm ill

Rape victim Slag

Hoody Criminal

Nanny state What we live in when Mail readers aren't allowed to do and say whatever they want

Censorship What we need more of to make sure non-Mail readers aren't allowed to do and say whatever they want

Thought police Term stolen from a book no Daily Mail reader has really read to describe something that doesn't really exist

White-collar crime: Naughty vicars.

Actually, I suppose that's more News of the Screws than the Mail.

The English: Better than everyone else and yet still screwed over by everyone else.

The Scottish: Nasty lot who run the government for the sole purpose of taxing the English out of existence.

The Welsh: Who?

Europeans: Don't like them, but like buying houses off them.

Americans: Like them and their government, unless they can be used as a stick to beat our government with.

Insurgents- People attempting a change of government using undemocratic means.

Daily Mail- See 'Insurgents'[/b]

Not forgetting...

Middle England: Fictional part of the UK where everyone is white, middle-class and employed (if male) or stays home looking after the kids (if female). The only part of the UK which is affected by tax rises. The part of the UK most under threat from asylum seekers, speed cameras, recycling and Labour politicians.

Wife - Does all house work and looking after kids. Must have dinner on table as soon as husband arrives home. Does as she's told, gets a black eye if she doesn't.

Immingrant - Threat

Ethnic Minority - Threat

Muslim - Threat

Teenager - Threat

Hoodie - Threat

Tax - Theft

Labour -Socialist

Socialist - Communist

Communist - Threat

Teachers- Overpaid lefties who get long holidays finish at 3.30 and complain.

Schools- Buildings where children do not learn maths or English, but spend all their time learning media studies and how terrible the Empire was.

Council Housing-A governement palace in a hell hole.

Classic Literature- Something to pretend to read, but only if supplied free by the Mail. Would prefer it on DVD, also for free.

Books- Something to be viewed with suspicion whilst decrying literacy levels.

Vegetarianism-Something only done by lefties and homosexuals. Not a diet for a real man. But it might cure or cause cancer.

Homosexuals

Male High pitched voice, limp wrist, tight trousers, mincing walk,likes boys

Female Large hands and feet, hairy upper lip, wears brouge shoes,votes Liberal

Public Sector: Although not part of the real world, this tax-funded alternative realm consists of useless lazy overpaid people like teachers, university lecturers, social workers, high level trade unionists, civil servants and politicians. These people either sit and fill out a plethora of quasi-legal paperwork or have a lengthy nap after drinking a magnum of champagne. They all have pensions worth £billions each and they all retire at 35.

However, there are a number of useful public sector workers, notably the police and those who work in prisons (of which there are too few). They are underpaid and work very hard and must be given sub-machine guns to make their jobs easier. The PC brigade and Neo-Labour banned the best public sector workers, executioners, when Tony Belligerent came to power in 1979. The barstard is still in power now.

Private sector This is made up of privately owned important businesses, such as those that manufacture and sell very important product and services as blotting paper, gentlemen's relish, mustard, string and 'Baby Einstein' DVDs (so you don't have to put up with kids' whingin'). It is vitally important that these weath creating organisations pay no tax and pay low level employees £2.75 per hour, as this is all these beggars need.

I had a parent, who i know to be a DM reader, who after i suggested in a report that her son was not working as hard as he could do came in to school to tell me that i had some cheek considering i get "6 hour days and 20 weeks holiday".

Crime Special

Crime A social disease that only appeared in May 1997

Rape A fictitious crime that is brought about by oneself.

Murder A dreadful crime that only happens to middle class person is killed

Accident When someone is killed who isn't middle class

Theft Dreadful crime committed by darkies.

Fraud A minor crime that only white middle class people can be prosecuted for

Fox hunting Shouldn't be a crime

Speeding Not a crime, justifiable in any circumstance

Otherwise law abiding Adjective to describe someone convicted of a crime which shouldn't be a crime.

ASBO a certificate to be proud of

ASBO generation synonym of teenager

Vandalism When something is damaged