Science special

Scientist - boffin (q.v) in a lab coat, preferably with 'Wilf Lunn' hair and really thick glasses. Imagined surrounded by boiling-over test tubes and flasks, in a shed.

Science a) wacky crazy equations worked out by Scientists on how to butter the perfect slice of bread, pour the perfect cup of tea, and other outdated quasi-British horseshit. b) ungodly lunatic theories backed up by little more than hard evidence, 'conveniently' explaining things such as global warming, dinosaurs and evolution. c) what those boffins ought to be working on to cure cancer.

Boffin - archaic horseshit term for anyone with an MSc, see related term 1940's throwback.

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Ten seconds... the pain begins.

Fifteen seconds... you can't breathe.

Twenty seconds... you give up and turn off the Jeremy Vine show.

Revolt Mass outbreak of tutting from behind the twitching curtains of Middle England (qv)

Silent majority Loud minority

Revolution An idea we suddenly like as elections aren't producing the results we want.

Old-Labour bad socialists, led by Tony Benn
New-Labour bad socialists, led by T. Bliar
Nu-Labour see New-Labour
Tony Blair also known as T. Bliar. cloest conservative leader of "Nu Labour". Evil man who presides over low interest rates, and improving public services. Guilty of everything bad that happens in our day-to-day lives.

Conservative Good
UKIP Better
BNP Best
David Cameron Smokes cannabis, doesn't seem to hate everything, guilty of not standing up for Middle England

Liberal Democrats That's a new one to me.
Election Process that occurs every 4-5 years, in which the outcome is always wrong- should be abolished
Red Ken Ken Livingstone- facist left mayor of London, who introduced the congestion charge
Facist Left Moderate-left of centre
Moderate right Neo Nazi
Nazi Led by Hitler, supported in the 1930s. A good leader really, shame about the war.

international special!:

France - head of evil coalition known as the EU. we beat them in a few battles a few centuries ago, which is proof we are better than them. full of foreigners but have sensible policies on ethnic intergration and lots of cheap booze.

Germany - also leading member of evil EU, if you mention the war to a german he will break down and cry. all kinky perves with bleached hair and leather trousers. drink beer from funy foreign measures. we beat them in a war a few decades ago, so we are better people than they are.

Spain / Portgal - british colony, full of cheap villas. we beat their ships in a battle a few hundred years ago so we are better than them and should make no effort to learn language or intergrate.

Italy - funny little country where everyone eats spaghetti bolognese and pizza every day for every meal. parts of Italy (tuscany) british colonies. has been governed by sensible,christian consevative government for past 50 years cos everyone loves them and has nothing to do with corruption at all. every italian footballer is diving scum and no-match for our boys.

holland - liberal hellhole where everyone is stoned and has sex with whores. any sense of a happy society is because of this and not liberal policies or high tax


Poland (applies to all of Eastern Europe - backward, medival society who joined the EU with the sole purpose of invading Britain. no longer exists as entire population has emmigrated to Britain. lots of cheap houses.

China / India exotic countries where people eat funny food and can't speak english properly. currently stealing our jobs and solely to blame for global warming.

America - charming country where people love the English and our Queen.

Australia / New Zealand Britsih colony, utopia where nothing ever goes wrong

More Geography

Chile Used to be quite nice but gone to the dogs now. Supported us in the Falklands war dontcha know? I had that Pinochet in the back of my cab once. marvellous.

Argentina Dirty evil dago scum, want our islands and sheep. But they did have that nice Evita woman. Andrew Lloyd-Webber, eh? Smashing chap.

Venezuela Commies with oil. Vile.

Cuba Evil stinking commies led by the world's most evil man. Lovely old cars though. Godfather 2? Great film.

South Africa Terribly violent, now that they've let the darkies vote and everything. Of course, nothing against that Mandela chappie - but some of his friends, eh? Vile people.

Ireland Godforsaken bog full of jumped-up Micks and fairies and leprechauns. They have the sheer audacity to tell us British people to get lost and then have the undiluted nerve to actually run their country so well that they have a higher GNP and standard of living than we do. Oh well, keep on at it, Paddies. It's all EU money anyway. You scum. You're our scum and we'll have you for it one day. Still, Riverdance, eh? Lovely show.

Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda, Egypt, Nigeria, Gambia and Ghana British. Or should be. Long as they all stay over there.

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Ten seconds... the pain begins.

Fifteen seconds... you can't breathe.

Twenty seconds... you give up and turn off the Jeremy Vine show.

Crime Ahoy!

Mugging: Robbery carried out by hoodies on anyone they see.

Burglary: Robbery carried out by hoodies and career criminals on any house they see.

Assault: Carried out either by evil scum hoody youths, or by otherwise law abiding middle class people on evil scum hoody youths. In either case, the evil scum hoody youths get away with it.

Fraud: Stealing lots of money without robbing anyone. Only committed by PC NuLab supporting company executives, and not people who find tax loopholes like we do.

Rape: Common side effect of being fashionable by wearing short skirts.

Murder of a middle-class white person: Tragedy and a symptom of the breakdown of society, especially if it's a woman with nice tits.

Murder of someone aged 14-25: Bit of a tragedy, but then they were probably in hoody gangs and deserved it.

Murder of non-whites: Yeah, might put it on page 15.

Terrorism: A new offence introduced by the Labour government to prosecute law abiding people who might make a small slip of the tongue. Does not apply to Muslims who we think it should only apply to.

Immigrants Come in one variety only: fraudulent spongers leaching off MY taxes and becoming millionaires while WE work to pay for them. There is no such thing as an immigrant with a life like mine.

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"Stop making up quotes and attributing them to me" - Voltaire

Public services special

Hospital Best if run by a matron, and better still if private. A&E departments all resemble a bad night in Baghdad. MRSA lurking everywhere. All doctors are overpaid and should be working gratis, not enough nurses, and most of them are foreign anyway.

Matron See SAS, Dixon of Dock Green and Churchill - all common masturbation fantasies among Mail readers.

Police Ought to be cheery bobbies, riding bicycles or on the beat, laughingly giving youngsters a clip round the ear for scrumping apples, or beating up Blacks and Irishmen before framing them. Not liked if they are enforcing speed limits, sitting in cars, arresting white middle-class people, wearing baseball caps, or failing to reinforce our outdated delusions about modern society.

Library Austere building staffed by stern lesbians in tweed skirts, and their hair in a bun. Preferably with glasses. Parquet floors, and newspapers on racks. Of course now it's all gone to the dogs and they're full of computers. Muslims use them to find out how to make bombs, you know.

Council bunch of useless morons who never could get a job in the real world, all leftie tree-huggers and snoopers. Main function is to waste our council taxes, fund abortions for single mothers and force small boys to have gay sex with their (naturally communist) teachers.

Real world Unreal world.

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Ten seconds... the pain begins.

Fifteen seconds... you can't breathe.

Twenty seconds... you give up and turn off the Jeremy Vine show.

Any stories about which must by unwritten law be illustrated with a photo of Hattie Jacques.

She was in the SAS? They're scarier than I thought!

Prisons - Holiday camps

Third World - Britain

GCSE: Not worth the paper they are written on.

Degree: A way of measuring temperature in Media Studies.

Weights and Measures

Metre, Kilometre, Kilogram, Litre, Celsius - PC units of measurement imposed on the British people by busybodies/Eurocrats/New Labour do-gooders/the nanny state

Pound, Ounce, Inch, Yard, Pint, Gallon, Fahrenheit - common sense British Imperial measures championed by metric martyrs/great British heroes