I'll bet you anything you like, a DM reader will describe 'skunk' as a North American rodent with a white stripe that smells a bit and is in a cartoon.

Religion Opium of the Masses

Catholic Priest Hide the Choir Boys

Church of England The Tory Party at Prayer

Women Priests Liberal Butch Dykes

Gay Priest Good for a Vicious Outing, Helps Sales

April fool A story that we believe because we read the daily mail, any rational, sensible person would have spotted this insult to writing and 'journalism' a mile off.

trees Children used to climb them instead of playing on computers.

Cliche special!

Most right-headed people... - Me and my friends at the golf club.

Normally law-abiding - I swear I was doing thirty, officer.

Traffic Taliban - I've only had a few ales, officer.

Harmless fun from a more innocent era - theft, vandalism, nuisance calls done by small boys in shorts.

Crime soars - theft, vandalism, nuisance calls done by poor or ethnic types.

'Elf and safety - shit I'm not allowed to cut corners any more.

Simple common sense... - why can't I get my own way?

_________________
Ten seconds... the pain begins.

Fifteen seconds... you can't breathe.

Twenty seconds... you give up and turn off the Jeremy Vine show.

now I know this one's been done before, but I want to nail it

Otherwise law-abiding - Adjective applied to a criminal that reads the Daily Mail.

Draconian - Adjective applied to any punishment given to otherwise law-abiding people for committing crime.

Jobsworth A person, normally a traffic warden or council official who upholds the law and/or does their job.

Expert: A person with a high degree of skill in or knowledge of a certain subject. (ie. Doctors, Professors). This word is usually to be found within the Daily Mail encased in apostrophes and normally lead by the prefix so-called (see above) eg "these so-called 'experts'..."

Think-Tank: A group or an institution organized for research and solving of problems, especially in the areas of technology or social or political strategy. A think-tank is found in two distinct varieties within the Daily Mail. A 'left-leaning' or 'close to Labour' think tank and a 'highly respected' think-tank. The former will will normally produce PC, wooly-minded or liberal solutions to problems. The latter will generally produce common sense solutions.

Scotland: A part of this once-great country inhabited by unemployed layabouts who pay no tax, produce no goods, services or benefits and spend their days lazing in their personal swimming pools, jacuzzis or local pubs, and who's lavish, millionaire lifestyles are entirely funded by the hard-pressed tax-payer of Middle-England.
The only part of the United kingdom where everything is free. Original home of the

Scottish: an ethnic inhabitant of Scotland. A personal of rough appearance and low moral values, who spends his time spending the £50,000 a week he personally receives from Middle-England taxpayers as a result of the Barnett Formula on a lavish lifestyle.

Gordon Brown: seldom used name for the Prime Minister. Much more commonly known as Jock, Broon, McBroon, McStalin or dictator (often in combination). Generally believed to have no mandate or to have been unelected.

McMafia: A member of parliament, Scottish, or of ethnic Scottish extraction. Generally, but not exclusively, is a member of the Labour party. See also tartan mafia, Scottish mafia, jockocracy.

Mandate: In the UK, the authority given by the electorate to the majority or largest political party in the House of Commons to form a government and implement certain policies. A government is said to have no mandate if the Daily Mail or its readership did not vote for the government or do not support its policies.

Prime Minister: The most important minister of the cabinet and chief executive of the UK parliamentary democracy appointed by the ruling monarch with the approval of the Daily Mail and its readership. A Prime Minister who is appointed by the ruling monarch without the approval of the Daily Mail and its readership is said to be unelected or without a mandate.

The Free Market An economic idea appealed to when it suits one, and abhorred when it does not. For example; economic migrants are to be reviled, yet cheap food in supermarkets is our birthright.

The Brain - An organ which is occasionally applied for Sudoku purposes but generally it is bypassed in favour of blind prejudice and a xenophobic contempt.

Justice System: Useless system that always favours criminals and betrays victims.

Jails: Should be scrapped and replaced by the death penalty.

Death Penalty: Should be applied to all criminals. Except where the crime is car-related.

Guardian readers: Empty headed leftie liberal morons who don't understand anything.

Mail readers: The vast (and silent) majority. Experts in everything. Can solve any soduku puzzle in under 3 seconds.

The BBC: Broadcasting corporation run by the government, for the government. Should be scrapped. See Guardian readers.

Richard Littlejohn: Well informed genius with his finger firmly on the pulse of Britain. Right about everything. Wrong about nothing. One of only a handful of people in the country that has the balls to tell it how it really is. Should be prime minister.

Litres-invented by eurocrats to dumb down weights and measures ,designed to confuse all british people stuck in the fifties.
see also kilometers and the decimal system.

Temperature scale...as a rule hot temperatures shown in F and cold shown in C to exagerate stories...

Outrage - Storm in a tea cup
Fury - Middle Englanders tutting audibly.

Zero Tolerance - A tough, no-nonsense approach to law and order that all police forces should follow**

**Exception:
Zero Tolerance (motoring offences) - Nanny state, victimisation of law-abiding people by officers who should be concentrating on catching real criminals.

BBC row... something weve made up to incite our readership with mixed sucess..see Nigella lawson plugging Waitrose.