Local journalism at its best

Malcolm Armsteen · **Posted:** Sun Jul 15, 2012 1:48 am

Sometimes the locals get a gift...

Tennis row leads to Sutton pub car park crash

Quote:

This picture shows the aftermath of a row between a couple about the Wimbledon tennis final which ended up with their car crashing over a car park wall.

The couple, understood to be in their late sixties, were parking at the Belmont pub, Sutton, so the husband could watch Andy Murray's match against Roger Federer.

But when his wife objected, saying she would prefer to watch it at home, he took his anger out on the accelerator of the Ford Ka.

Thinking the car was in reverse, he slammed down the pedal, but with the car still in first gear, it launched forward.

The car clipped a kerb, before jumping two feet into the air and over the wall of the car park.

http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/news ... sh/?ref=mc

You would, indeed, be pushed to fabricate it.

Fozzy · **Posted:** Sun Jul 15, 2012 10:36 am

He must have given the accelerator some wellie to do that. I suspect that even if the car had been in reverse, the consequences would have been almost as bad.

Bones McCoy · **Joined:** Mon Aug 16, 2010 9:08 am **Posts:** 7419

What kind of person gets angry about a gentle sport like tennis.

Arnold · **Posted:** Sun Jul 22, 2012 3:01 pm

Quote:

Actress Barbara Windsor attends All England Jumping Course at Hickstead

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/9831127. ... Hickstead/

Quote:

Sky Pixie tired of being called God says...
2:55pm Sun 22 Jul 12

lorrie1 wrote:
WHO CARES, HASBEEN!
It's a good thing - I think that it is great that Barbara Windsor is still managing to tackle Hickstead. Her teeth still look solid and I'd like to see you tackle some of those jumps.

shyamz · **Posted:** Sun Jul 22, 2012 3:38 pm

Danson's Forehead wrote:

It's really perfectly logical. It's quite a drive from Bishop's Stortford to the coast, so it is difficult to physically abuse an octopus in the flesh. Therefore, one must rely on pornographic images.

If you're going to have a crack at an animal, though, an octopus isn't a bad option, if only because you can chop it up and fry it up very quickly afterwards as a delicious post-coital snack, maybe with a bit of chili salsa. Presumably you'd have to shower afterwards though, cos the octopus will have been shooting ink at you throughout like nobody's business.

He should have saved up and spent his holidays in Japan, he'd have hade a whale of a time - (Very NSFW. In fact, don't scroll down at all).

http://images.google.co.uk/search?hl=en ... 20&bih=917

Arnold · **Posted:** Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:58 pm

Quote:

Brighton's London Road gets £100k Portas cash

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/9835352. ... rtas_cash/

Quote:

We're up here says...
9:53am Wed 25 Jul 12

London Road was full of druggies and weirdly-shaped, clearly very poor people (and their scabby dogs) last time I went. I really don't see how pop-up galleries could make any difference but I'll wait and see.

Quote:

Brian Snow says...
11:58am Wed 25 Jul 12

With a bit of imagination in the way this cash is spent, London Road can finally start to realise its potential as the Champs-Élysées of Brighton. I look forward to tree-lined boulevards and a vibrant café / dining culture to enhance a trip to ALDI, Iceland and the plethora of charity shops

Quote:

Jeffery687 says...
12:53pm Wed 25 Jul 12

"shot in the arm" poor choice of words for London road. But hope they make good use of this great opportunity.

Daley Mayle · **Posted:** Wed Jul 25, 2012 2:21 pm

shyamz wrote:

Danson's Forehead wrote:

It's really perfectly logical. It's quite a drive from Bishop's Stortford to the coast, so it is difficult to physically abuse an octopus in the flesh. Therefore, one must rely on pornographic images.

If you're going to have a crack at an animal, though, an octopus isn't a bad option, if only because you can chop it up and fry it up very quickly afterwards as a delicious post-coital snack, maybe with a bit of chili salsa. Presumably you'd have to shower afterwards though, cos the octopus will have been shooting ink at you throughout like nobody's business.

He should have saved up and spent his holidays in Japan, he'd have hade a whale of a time - (Very NSFW. In fact, don't scroll down at all).

http://images.google.co.uk/search?hl=en ... 20&bih=917

Cripes, NSFW? I should cocoa! That reminds me. A woman walks into a doctor's with a squid hanging out of her front bottom. 'How much for a consultation?' she says. He replies, 'Six quid'. And the squid says, 'That's why I'm here'.*

* Probably a bit muffled**

** See what I did there?

shyamz · **Posted:** Wed Jul 25, 2012 3:28 pm

Arnold · **Posted:** Tue Jul 31, 2012 2:43 pm

Quote:

Poo found in Brighton council microwave

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/9846650. ... microwave/

shyamz · **Posted:** Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:10 am

Perhaps it was a bit too runny to pick up, perhaps they were trying to bake it hard so it could be more easily dropped through someone's letterbox?

Fflaps · **Posted:** Wed Aug 08, 2012 2:44 pm

This is the logo the Wansdworth Guardian is using for its coverage of the anniversary of the London riots.

Powerful.

The other thing in a local paper that made me laugh today was the term 'sea-based mammals' in a story about whales being sighted off Anglesey which was in the Anglesey Chronicle (I think). Someone's been reading too much Daily Mash...

mojojojo · **Joined:** Fri Mar 19, 2010 1:33 pm **Posts:** 4437

I hope whale watching is now referred to as 'sea-based mammal viewing solutions'.

Andy McDandy · **Posted:** Wed Aug 08, 2012 3:40 pm

And the boats they use are "Sea-based mammal viewing solution logistics".

Daley Mayle · **Posted:** Wed Aug 08, 2012 4:37 pm

And the Japanese whalers... 'Sea-based mammal disassembling operatives'.

Salmanazar · **Joined:** Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:56 am **Posts:** 4

You may (or may not) be amused by these these two little gems I found lurking on my PC. I should add that they are not photoshopped or mocked up in any way; these little despatches from disturbia actually appeared in the pages of an English local newspaper.

The author of these was a much-loved former editor who was kept for reasons unknown and awarded a whole page in which to air his opinions..... They're a few years old now, but I'm assured that the paper in question hasn't changed much.

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