A vampiress is driven away by the grown-up clone children of Village of the Damned who have clearly let themselves go over the years. They taunt the creature driven by needs with tales of a half women-half horse. Moral... Britain is populated by monsters and is a scary place.

Diana is still dead . The future king takes cover behind vegetation from the inevitable insults that are to come out of his father's mouth when he notices the Chinese lady in front of him . Moral ,cartoonist and frustrated lumberjack Paul Thomas gently weeps into a tumbler of whiskey , .....everyday...single...night.

Does anyone find those cartoons remotely amusing? I'll link 3:





I understand the jokes, I just find them really crap. I didn't even lift a smile.

I remember that same "three tenners" joke from The Beano years ago. It was pretty funny to a nine year old, but it kind of loses it after ten years, and when it's being aimed at people much older than me even now.

I seem to recall Ken Dodd doing it on telly about 15 years ago as well.

The only Express cartoon I can recall was from a few years ago, during the first series of The Apprentice. It was Sir Alan Sugar, sat at his desk. There were three types of egg on the desk, one of which was fried. He was pointing at the fried egg and saying "You're Fried".

Weeks I was giggling at that. Weeks, I tells yer.

Those three are particularly dire. Glad you posted them during my forced internet absence .It's humour Jim , but not as we know it.

I just picked the 3 in view. I've looked in a few times in the last few weeks and I can't even begin to find them funny.

Isn't the paper headline in that last cartoon just lifted directly from the Express, with a colon added after the 'Brown'?

Well it would seem any connection between cartoons and satire/humour have been severed in the Express. The relationship is irrevocably broken down. I present the evidence in order of publication below.






HAHAHAHA.....do you see what he did there...no...really? Actually I am grasping myself . Yesterdays cartoon is the repressed sexual fantasy of aging Express readers obviously . That bloke is far to old for that woman (unless it is an ultra cleaned up version of the lovely former Mrs Tarrant(surely shome mistake ?)) .You may not presume he is a rendition of Andrew O'Neill , whose best side is the magnetic strip on his credit card. The only conclusion I can draw is that she is a Lady of dubious services who works in the daytime to pleasure the retired. She obviously doesn't care who knows as she has left the curtains open (you can see the next client outside by the way ), so that must be kinky extras . Plus the bottle of champange is going to have a huge mark up . If the daft sod doesn't get his meagre savings (see below) that sex worker is going to be laughing all the way to the bank anyway ,never mind the great banking meltdown eclipsing Black Wednesday.
So the great guffaw of this opus is his wife is panicking about the savings , but he thought it would be a good excuse to use the time to cheat on my marriage vows , 'cos the Express believes in liberalisation of sex laws and promiscuity . Further , the cartoon tells us that this whole thing is a storm in a teacup , we should not worry and the government is doing a great job. Have sex instead .
But then Paul Thomas shows us the bizzarro world he lives in . He is living life backwards . Today's cartoon has time warped ahead of the events previously shown . That cheap Van Gogh reproduction is the hint that psychotic works are a foot . It's so bad that the elderly gent sees his wife pulling a David Blane by levitating slightly off the floor . Or is she rising in rage aware that he has been spending the savings on dirty women?Is that why in the events that follow...er...yesterday , I mean next , I mean....AHEM...is that why he shows little concern for the cash 'cos he has blown the savings on various perversions? Is she afraid they will have to eat the cats? She would love a posh tv but they can't even afford a sofa to share to watch tv , the pig dominates the room with his single easy chair.I wouldn't want him around either.
So what exactly is the humour , biting observation here? It's that he is watching tv and she wants him to queue somewhere . You fucking what? Oh thats right it's psychotic bizzaro time warp land . But then if the reference is to queuing to get the savings the joke is "go and get the money and stop sitting in the one chair". Excellent . I can do that. Here is my joke constructed on the same lines...

"I am going to the shop to buy a loaf of bread "

Brilliant huh? It's not even a cartoon descending into the territory of even the most mundane soap opera . Trees have been cut down to print this shite and we are all going to die with the resulting collapse in ecosystems . It's criminal.

Nicely analysed You attention to detail is very good.

First thing I thought when I saw the old levitation lady is she's doing that "it's you" point from the lottery.

The 'lady' in bed has a man's face.

Leaving aside the lack of humour and general shittiness, the cartooning is fucking diabolical.

Was it the Sun that had cartoons which always had a child and a dog in them? They were inept as well, but not so thoroughly unfunny.

The Express is somebody's elaborate piss-take, surely?

I had a look at a few more. Their thumbnails and navigation doesn't work properly.

Even the Sport manages better than this:

*smashes face into hard wood table over and over*

Yep , with quality like that you can see why he can put this above his sub-Beano (a fine publication) delivery.



It's as if Private eye was taken over by the Krankies. Are those cow pats , ufos , or blood cells spaced evenly on a tangent by the way? Cow....qae....???....cow.....qae....???....cow...

Anyone want to take a stab at today's? My head spins just looking . I can't get past the pathetic political swipe ( indecision vs shrewd contemplation), the monarch as a genetically altered Homer Simpson , or her appropriation of The Houses of Parliament for the front grounds of the Palace. Someone please explain this scribble from the arse of Satan....



here is as far as I got in purely mathematical terms...




EDIT....... OK , here is what I found out .Look at the below diagram.



All to scale and super accurate . How do you know it is super accurate? Because it is done in glorious imperial scale not filthy euro metric . The question then is why is Parliament located there? Well , it's obvious . It's a fiendish oriental plot that has first taken over the mother of democracies and charted a course now to the figurehead of our state , our lovely Liz who should be meeting our nations leader Gordon . A 2 in 1 coup. The oriental replica of the queen however is a poor copy that has been subcontracted to South Koreans who work on the Simpsons . Gordon can't bear to look at her but tries to keep up the pretence buy discussing matters of state but not any secrets that will lead to the yellow hoard stealing the countries booty . He is trying to buy time whilst the fake queen forgets protocol and plays mind games with Gordon to rattle him. Meanwhile , Prince Phillip , realizing his wife must be dead and replaced with a hideous doppelgänger has to raise the alarm. The pirated Houses of Parliament have blocked off any help from the footguards battalion and the 1st Battalion of Welsh Guards at Birdwalk Cage . They have most likely been crushed by the hijacked legislative dwelling and it's relentless advance . Realizing this he draws on his naval skills and constructs a tennis court fuck-off sized distress signal



,most likely "standing into danger" guessing by the colours , from tapestries to fly from side of the palace where he can clearly signal the guard at St. James . It is the best he can do with what he has as there is no naval flag for "Paul Thomas sucks balls the size of melons".

And that I think has to be the most logical explanation.