A new game to play.

Ever noticed on radio phone-ins, you always seem to get certain types of people calling in? Right, let's try to identify them. I'll start off and if you can think of any other stereotype callers - not pundits or show guests/presenters - but callers, Joe/Joanna Public, note them down here.

OK, here goes:

Mr Sue

Mr Sue has paid taxes and worked hard all his life and if anyone, yes ANYONE thinks they can tell him what he can or cannot do, he'll sue them, he bloody will! Often supports UKIP and comes from Lincolnshire or Hull (in my experience).

Mrs Awful

Mrs Awful thinks that the last story was simply the most awful thing she has ever heard of and how can people be so heartless and cruel? Don't these people have families of their own?

Mrs/Mrs Islamophobe

The Islamophobes will call in on ANY discussion about race/religion/jewellery/schooling/price of fish, and ask rhetorically 'But would this have happened if XYZ was Muslim?'.

Mr Publawyer

Mr Publawyer is a small but crucial role that has to be played by a man, preferably from London or Essex. He knows all about 'the real world', isn't afraid to call a spade a spade, and knows for a FACT that speed cameras are a big con, as it's experience that counts and safety, not speed, has driven a van for 20 years, and if the officer isn't wearing a helmet he can't arrest you...

Miss Pious

Miss Pious can be young or old but is marked out by her unquestioning devotion to the almighty. Things should be done because it says so in the bible. Miss Pious is so pious that little things sent to trip her up can only momentarily phase her. Recently on Radio 2, on a discussion about divorce, Miss Pious claimed that divorce was wrong as it broke a sacred vow before God. When the presenter asked her if this extended to secular marriage ceremonies or applied in cases of domestic abuse, she paused before saying she didn't consider such people to be properly married anyway. Textbook.

Get the idea? Add more examples please!

_________________
Ten seconds... the pain begins.

Fifteen seconds... you can't breathe.

Twenty seconds... you give up and turn off the Jeremy Vine show.

Mr Blame Labour
It only happened because Tony Blair sneezed on November 24th 1999, thereby causing, via the chaos theory, this latest house price rise/murder/lost child

Mr/Mrs Pointless

The Pointlesses are more a clan than an individual. They readily admit they have no prior experience or knowledge of anything to do with the topic under discussion. However they feel they have to register their vague approval/concern/disgust. Yes, and these people can vote.

Mrs Ramble

Mrs Ramble was very old and lived during World War 2 don't you know. Therefore she wil meander on about God knows what while the presenter goes all misty-eyed 'cos hey, grannies, you know. Then she will casually drop a bigot-bomb into conversation that can quite easily take out most of central London...

Mr Giggler (apologies to Private Eye)

Mr Giggler is an office joker who will call up to attach to any discussion the latest bit of e-mail spam circulating regarding the issue discussed, passing it off as his own 'hilarious' wit.

OK, I'm gonna blow this one open - you can add newspaper letter-writing types as well. Ain't I a sweetie?

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Ten seconds... the pain begins.

Fifteen seconds... you can't breathe.

Twenty seconds... you give up and turn off the Jeremy Vine show.

Mr String 'em Up

I actually heard Mr String 'em Up on a Five Live phone in around the issues raised by the Tony Martin case once claim that if he caught a burglar in his house, he'd tie him up, sling him into a great big pit, douse him with petrol, and set fire to him. And he was deadly serious.

Mr Stealing Pensions
Whenever talking about Labour they mention the stealing of Pensions, I have counted 6 mention it as the only point they have in the last hour on 5 live, I'm going turn it off in a minute.

Mr Ms Virgin

I'm very nervous, Brian. I've never been on radio/tv before. This is my first time.


It's a phone, not a stallion.

Mr Cynical

"They're all in it just for what they can get."

"They're all the same - nothing ever changes, whoever gets in."

"Politicians are all bloody liars".

"I couldn't half give that Virginia bottomley one."

Mr/ Mrs Thatcher fan

...She wouldn't have stood for this EU/Islamic/Immigrant/(insert issue) rubbish. Best PM we 'ad, since Oswald Mosley

Mr/Mrs Enoch Powell fan

...Enoch Powell said 'rivers of blood' 'an 'e was right. Best Pm we never 'ad, since Oswald Mosley.

Mr/Mrs Straw - normally found on sports phone ins blowing in the wind.

Where their team wins the manager/board/players are the best in the country; when they lose they should all be sacked/shot/disembowled.

Mr Not Big Or Clever But Stunningly Accurate - rare species , possibly extinct due to technological encroachment (by about 7 seconds ) on his environment

Matt Bianco variant (British Isles)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEkB25V_ ... ed&search= - Sweary

Five star variant (British Isles)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg_s6aOp23M - Sweary

North American variant less stunningly accurate but more prolific : observed in large numbers on public access mudflats

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIEHI0vf ... ed&search= - Incredibly Sweary