OK, following a conversation by me and jonboy on another thread, here follows a list of translations of commonly-used Daily Mail phrases:

Political Correctness: Anything we don't like

The PC Brigade: Imaginary army of Guardian-reading Islington-living lefties, enforcing said things we don't like.

from jonboy...

Illegal Immigrant: A person of non-white appearance, who doesn't speak english, who steals money from the honest, law abiding tax payer, and who gets a million pounds in benefits each day, plus a free house. And a mobile phone and laptop (that was in a Birmingham BNP leaflet but it was probably in the Mail as well).

Asylum Seeker: See Illegal Immigrant [/b][/i]

Benefits: Any money given by the government to people who are too lazy to work. Currently stands at £200 per week.

Student: An illiterate person aged under 25. All students study stupid degrees such as Media Studies and no-one studies Mathematics.

National Curriculum: Government diktat to teachers forcing them to teach political correctness and to avoid any mention of history.

Police state: a state in which the police occasionally nick white, middle-class people (see "otherwise law-abiding").

Bomber: one who uses an explosive device to cause harm to human targets. May or may not be a pejorative term, depending on the ethnicity and car ownership of the perpetrator.

Cancer: a life-threatening disease caused by everything, and cured by everything else.

otherwise-law-abiding- middle England people that attack something or someone that the Mail doesnt like.

Common Sense: Things that we agree with.

Madness: Things we don't agree with.

Hi, my name is Culfy and I'm a Guardian reader. It started in a small way, just the odd weekend edition (only for the guide I used to say). Then it became serious, reading it every day. And then I moved on to the hard stuff, the Observer on Sunday. I started to call people 'verbally challenged', sponge of the state and encourage more sponging asylum seekers to come and destroy our welfare state. Anyway, thankfully I've now found a home of like-minded individuals and together we can work to cure our addiction to museli and slippers. Thank you. Please be gentle with me.

Anyway

Silent Majority Noun 1. People who don't say anything and can therefore be assumed to support whatever point of view you have.
or 2. People who won't shut up.

FAMILY..consisting of white male and female 2 children,own house -contribute 90% of money earnt to the government and recieve no welfare benifits.

New Labour..Jackboot neo fascist socialists who got into power(3 times) by stealth

Tony Blair (aka Bliar) - Evil tyrannical dictator. To be blamed for EVERYTHING.

Homosexual - disgusting creature who threatens "the family" and society as a whole. Non threatening varieties sometimes found (see John Inman for innocent laugh-at-the-poof fun; see Stephen Fry for talks-proper-so-can't-be-all-bad).

Lesbian - female version of above. Doesn't really exist.

Nice one Dave.


So-Called: Prefix When something is, but shouldn't be.

Recycling That boring chore in which we are required to do or face a fine. Has no benefit to anyone.

Global Warming A non-existent disease that affects the planet. Not caused by burning fossil fuel

Pinochet Benevolent, honest, upstanding former leader or Chile. A Totally misunderstood character.

Thatcherism Policy of Mrs. Thatcher's government, in which all was good, and all was well. No crime, no immigrants, low tax, fantastic public services. No Blair.

Mrs. Thatcher See also God, See also hero. An outstanding leader who smashed the unions. Widened the wealth gap, and taught those naughty public sector industries a lesson. Nothing went wrong under her watch.

God The divine creator of everything good. Only worshiped by Christians

Hero: A person who stands up for the middle classes. A person who refuses to pay their council tax or speeding fines, whilst denouncing all that is wrong with today's society.

Union: See also scum. Lazy, ungreatful organisations who wrongly resent being abused at work and are greedy for wanting a real wage

British People White Middle Classed Middle Aged

The Electorate Tory Votors

Democracy Tory Government

Normally Law Abiding Burglar Basher/ Killer

The Lottery A scheme to provide funds for things the Mail dislikes

The Motorist A driver who can choose which laws to ignore

Thatcherism The good old days

Religion special!

Christian: The British religion. All Christians are law-abiding, peaceful people and will be forgiven for any breaches of this due to anti-Christian laws. Are currently being persecuted.

Muslim: People with beards and bombs. Every Friday, Muslims go to mosques where they are told how to kill people.

Jews: A nice religion, not quite Christian, but since we were so supportive of Hitler back in the 30s, we're trying to make up for it by being overly nice. Also good for fighting Muslims.

Buddhists: Weird Chinese or Japanese people who sit cross-legged and say "Ommmmmmmmmmmm" a lot.

Sikhs:Muslims with funny hats.

Atheists: A secret group of people who rule the country and hate Christians, but like the others.

Health And Safety slang 'elf and safety When the law is wrongly applied to a dangerous situation, in which no one is allowed to be injured and die unecessarily.

Littlejohn Should be Prime Minister. Inoffensive voice of middle england. The pinacle of professional journalism and writing. Possible reincarnation of Jesus?

Will Self Nasty piece of work. Represents all that is wrong today. Leader of the Left. Has a tendancy to lie on Radio shows. Modern day incarnation of Beelzebub.

Slave trade Good when it happened, bad that its taught in schools

Empire God's gift to Britain. A rightful claim to the world.

Europe Evil vile enemy of Britain. Want to rob us blind

1950's When god created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Everything was perfect. Nothing was wrong. All was well.

World War Two
When people didn't die for this.