From people watching pornography on the bus (yes, really)
What about the moral environment? If one child sees a prettily packaged vibrator in someone’s trolley and asks what it is, that’s one too many.
Sex toys at Sainsbury's? RICHARD LITTLEJOHN imagines how Mary Whitehouse would react
Liz Jones. I only buy my sex toys at Harrods. Which is why I'm always skint
Ton Utley. I had to ask my two layabout sons how to switch it on.
Peter Hitchens. Sex toys at Sainsbury's? They'll be selling cannabis next.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/arti ... g-bag.htmlJANET STREET-PORTER: How can we trust a woman to run the country whose favourite 'lucky coat' looks like a sleeping bag?
JANET STREET-PORTER: Gary Lineker may be turning into a likeable national treasure but any man who prefers football to sex is fundamentally selfish
Gary Lineker tells us he's negotiating a new contract with the BBC and has offered to take a reduction in his £1.75million salary, admitting 'it's the right thing to do'.
This timely confession coincides with a media blitz to promote a new book based on his popular podcast with Danny Baker (Behind Closed Doors), recorded in his kitchen.
I am sure that Gary Lineker is a very nice person - to be blunt, he's not exactly exciting.
But something astonishing has happened - we are so devoid of politicians with any personality (or ones who have a bit of character - like Boris - but turn out to be wafflers, fibbers and downright liars) that Gary's run-of-the-mill musings about life, censorship, cooking and refugees on Twitter have gained him over 7.4million followers.
And to many men (and some women) he is a Living God, someone who could be stepping up and leading us back to sanity. As Britain teeters towards chaos and confusion following whatever happens at Halloween, placid, thoughtful Gary is being touted as a potential politician in some quarters.
His fans would like him to step up and lead a government of National Unity, bringing together warring factions on left and right with his easy going banter.
He says he voted remain in the Referendum, and at the next General Election would vote Lib Dem or Green. This working class bloke, who left school with just four O-levels, has educated himself, can chat to Cabinet ministers as an equal and has turned into a national hero. I fully expected Jo Swinson to invite Gary onto the platform at her first conference as Lib Dem leader this week, and announce that Gary was going to run for parliament.
Of course he would never agree, Gary might be charming but his ego is gigantic. A man who can tell a female interviewer 'despite rumours that I was some kind of sexual predator…I'm unbelievably fussy'. And add 'It's been a while… It's a stupid and horrible thing to say, in a way, but I'm not massively into sex. I quite like flirting a little bit. Now that's all I do'.
Notice the use of the word 'massively'- that's the real giveaway, the sign that one person - Gary - has to be in charge and choreographing any relationship. He confesses 'this is being really honest. It's like hard work. Going on a date, and then, come on, let's do it. Do we really have to do all that? So, I've had hardly any dates'.
In those few words, Gary sums up how most middle-aged men feel about sex - they can't be bothered. The reason? They fear losing control, looking a bit stupid, pleasing a woman rather than themselves and forgetting what their hair/stomach/hairy buttocks or big feet look like. And they worry that they might have a small willy.
So Gary is speaking for 90 per cent of men aged between 30 and their deathbeds, when he makes the simple act of shagging sound like a minefield, an activity you can only fail at. How sad.
Gary has carefully transformed his easy going personality, cheery and unflappable, into a lucrative brand - trousering millions for hosting sports programmes, most of which the public pay for via our BBC licence fees.
On top of that he gets even more cash for flogging crisps - not a product one would associate with healthy living.
The 58-year-old is worth around £30million and I wonder how he justified asking for his obscenely huge salary in the first place? It's not like he's scoring goals anymore –although he holds the record for the most goals scored for England in the FIFA World Cup finals, and scored 48 goals playing in 80 games for our National team.
He's a brilliant TV host, but at the end of the day it just involves sitting behind a desk talking about football - something he has spent his life studying. It's not building HS2 or a spaceship to Mars, it's not coming up with a pill to stop dementia. It's just being good at chat about ball control.
But is Gary's clever strategy of being Britain's Mr Normal showing signs of coming adrift? He upset some right wing fans by revealing where he stood on immigration and Syrian refugees (supportive) and offering his thoughts on the Brexit vote (Gary wants a second Referendum and supports the People's Vote campaign).
He tweets and retweets compulsively, signing up to good causes and sticking up for friends. This week, he lent his name to the campaign to encourage people to block or mute trolls on social media.
One tabloid described Lineker as a 'sniping left-wing bore'… who 'seems intent on reinventing himself as a warrior for social justice.'
Some of his tweets can seem crass. After his extraordinary revelations about shunning sex, comedian David Baddiel tweeted 'bit weird for someone who was always scoring'. To which Gary responded 'been a while since I was in the box'. David Baddiel replied 'It's the positional play that's the key'. And Gary came up with 'about attacking the space sometimes from in front, occasionally from behind'.
This reminded me (I used to be the BBC executive in charge of the Fantasy Football league series hosted by Baddiel and Frank Skinner) just how obsessed men of a certain age are with trying to get women to have weird sex. It used to be a whole section of Frank Skinner's live show in his drinking days.
Gary supports Green causes, but hasn't got round to buying an electric car. He works out three times a week with a personal trainer, has a gym in his basement and lifts weights. He's fit, trim, can cook and is houseproud. He gets on with his ex wives and his four sons.
According to Gary, 'scoring goals is always better. Sex is just a bit of a moment'. That simple dismissal of the best fun you can possibly have sums up the case for the prosecution - this man is not fit to run the country, let alone be taken seriously.
JANET STREET-PORTER: Thanks to Harry Potter Emma Watson has a magical life most young women would kill for, so why is she so deeply irritating?
I hardly remember turning 30, it was no big deal. I was on my second marriage, my TV career was starting to go well - but I’d worked my arse off for the preceding 12 years to get on. There wasn’t time to worry about another birthday.
For multi-millionaire actress Emma Watson, though, facing up to the big three-o next April is fraught with ‘stress’ and an ‘incredible amount of anxiety’.
FOR GOD’S SAKE, what’s stressful about already having enough money for the rest of your life, being blessed with a first rate brain, perfect features, a cut glass accent (great for getting a good job and roles) and benefiting from unswerving support from middle class parents?
Where’s the stress in forging a non-stop career from the age of nine, one which has brought you worldwide fame and given you access to world leaders, pop stars and anyone famous who’s a Harry Potter fan?
Somehow, in spite of all her good points and natural assets, Emma Watson manages to be one of the most annoying people around. She uses every public forum to give us a little manifesto, telling other women how to think, what we should be doing to save the planet, how to stop injustices and bring about equality for all. Even nice Lorraine Kelly has admitted she finds Emma ‘just a wee bit irritating’ - which says it all.
In her latest interview (in British Vogue) Emma has (once again) come up with terminology so pretentious it could have come from the mouth of Gwyneth Paltrow, that other self-appointed spokesperson for global womankind.
Emma describes herself as ‘self-partnered’, ie single. Using the word single is just too crass and low rent for a quasi-intellectual like this one, who studied at Brown University in the US and Oxford.
Emma is stressed (it seems) because of ‘subliminal messaging…if you do not have a husband, if you do not have a baby, and you are turning 30, and you’re not in some incredibly secure, stable place in your career, or you’re just figuring things out…there’s this incredible amount of anxiety’.
In spite of being photographed with a steady stream of very eligible men she says: ‘I’m very happy (being single). I call it self-partnered’. For some shallow people (like me) self-partnering sounds like an exotic form of masturbation, but nothing that low rent would cross this paragon’s mind.
With unerring regularity, Emma turns every chat into a baffling discourse on her brand of modern feminism. Talking about her role in the new Hollywood movie of Little Women alongside Laura Dern and Meryl Streep, she says ‘we met in activist spaces, so we had this allyship and solidarity as activists that had been part of a certain movement before we ever worked together’.
Pass the sickbag, they probably swapped a tweet. Dern and Streep were strong empowered and inspirational women long before Emma became Hermione Granger. Unfortunately, after years playing the character, Emma has morphed into Hermione; brainy and well-meaning, but a little bit odd. She probably finds it strange that other women from different backgrounds and cultures might find her a bit patronising and inauthentic. Every role isn’t just a job but a chance for Emma to spread her self-regarding gospel. Apparently her Little Women character (Meg March) is really ‘a feminist’, because she has made the choice to be a wife and homemaker.
When she played Belle in Disney’s remake of Beauty and the Beast in 2017, Emma claimed she wasn’t just portraying a beautiful pliant woman in a big frock, trapped by a rich weirdo who has decided to turn his back on the world, but an ‘inventor’.
The role might have been ground-breaking if Belle had not been white. Emma posted pictures of her promotional tour for the film on social media in a series of incredibly glamorous eco-friendly dresses which must have cost a fortune. She posed for the cover of Vanity Fair wearing a semi-transparent top revealing a fair bit of her breasts. Nothing wrong in that - except that a couple of years earlier Emma admitted she was ‘conflicted’ about Beyonce’s use of blatantly sexual imagery. The fact that Beyonce had posed in front of a sign saying FEMINIST at the Grammys in 2014 seemed to have passed Hermione/Emma by.
In 2017, Emma - considered by critics to be a ‘competent’ actress - accepted the first gender-neutral MTV Music and Film award for best actor for playing Belle, and announced she was proud ‘to be part of a film which celebrates diversity, literacy, inclusion and joy’. And I expect you thought it was just a fairy story!
Another small faux pas occurred at the 2018 Academy Awards, when ‘wannabe edgy’ Emma sported a temporary tattoo reading TIMES UP, showing solidarity with the MeToo activists, but sadly her makeup artist forgot the apostrophe (as in Time’s Up) and she was forced to make a joke on social media. BTW isn’t having a temporary tattoo (when it’s not Hallowe’en) just a little bit pathetic and middle class?
Emma has founded an online book club, featuring inspirational books (including the Vagina Monologues) by female authors. She is a passionate reader who ‘hides’ books around London for commuters to discover. With all her cash, why doesn’t Emma pay to reopen the dozens of former libraries in London, so children can enjoy the delights of reading for nothing?
Dolly Parton, whose parents couldn’t read, is just as passionate as Emma about inequality - in her case, the damage caused by illiteracy. She founded the Imagination Library in Tennessee in 1995, offering free books to children under the age of 5- her charity has spread across the US, to Canada, Australia, Ireland and now the UK.
Is Emma Watson in touch with today’s young women? Am I being unfair when she means so well? In this situation, I always ask my hairdresser (female, 39 and also ‘self-partnered’) what she thinks.
Her reaction to Miss Perfect’s brand of feminism would be two words - get lost.
Sounds fine to me?how long will Harry and Meghan last in the characterless backwater that is North Saanich, Vancouver Island?
The main activities are dog walking, hiking in the local parks, fishing and visiting botanical gardens.
Oh fuck right off. It was you arseholes that drove them away in the first place.Harry and Meghan, it's not too late to come back home.
JANET STREET-PORTER: If Canada is so cool, Meghan, why do so many Canadians choose to live elsewhere?
Now that they have performed their last public duties as royals, how long will Harry and Meghan last in the characterless backwater that is North Saanich, Vancouver Island?
In their previous life, they could walk the banks of the Thames, enjoy the run of Windsor Great Park, hang out with the Clooneys up the road in Sonning. Yoga, Wholefoods, designer clothing outlets were all close by.
In suburban Canada, what are their lifestyle options? Their new home is handily situated for the local airport, a couple of motels and coffee shops.
The main activities are dog walking, hiking in the local parks, fishing and visiting botanical gardens.
It sounds the perfect place for a couple of pensioners, or retired bankers who want to take up watercolouring - hardly the base you'd expect for one of the world's most glamorous couples.
Neighbours include the actor Ryan Reynolds, and five times married 70-year-old music producer David Foster.
That's about it. Vancouver Island is where posh Canadians go to live the 'simple' life. For simple, please substitute 'boring'.
This relatively young couple seem anxious to escape the restrictions of the UK monarchy, the snobbishness and small mindedness of some Brits - so picking somewhere far away - underpopulated Vancouver Island, with fir trees in every direction, freezing winters and a brief six week summer - might seem understandable.
But in reality it's just plain weird. Instead of Lake Como, they've got a rocky beach, with grey skies overhead. Instead of Venice Beach, Los Angeles, there's the local steak house.
It's not as if they've escaped the paparazzi - walking in a local park with Archie, Meghan was furious to discover a photographer snapping away with a long lens, hidden under a tree.
Canada might have stricter privacy laws, but this couple will always be the subject of media attention, and to think otherwise is naïve.
Perversely, Harry and Meghan have turned their back on celebrity hangouts (which come with well organised security) where pals like Serena Williams live - California or Florida, for example - and rented a mansion on the waterfront of South Vancouver Island built in a bland international style. It could be on Lake Michigan, Lake Ontario, or in Chicago.
From cute Frogmore Cottage with Windsor Castle down the road, ensuring access to a private chapel and millions of pounds worth of art, to this?
Their rented house certainly has pretentions to grandeur - 10,000 square feet of space, with a large guest house and 8 bedrooms, it features an imported 17th century fireplace, a games room, and a wine tasting cellar- sounding more suitable for the Beckham squad than Harry and his healthy-living wife and baby Archie.
Perhaps growing up in a series of stately homes with servants around every corner might pall after a while (it wouldn't for me) but Harry and Meghan have opted for a lifestyle I can only describe as 'international first class departure lounge'.
Have we Brits really upset the Duke and Duchess of Sussex so much they prefer the hum drum existence of downtown Victoria, with it's limited choice of fine dining and trendy cafes?
They've turned their backs on the sarky humour of the Brits for the gush of clean-living middle class Canadians.
This is a country where the press don't like to talk about politician's affairs in case it deters people from standing for public office!
If Canada is so fabulous, how come so many famous Canadians live elsewhere?
Bryan Adams lives in Chelsea, Ryan Gosling in Hollywood, and Celine Dion is either on the front row of a fashion show on Paris or singing in Las Vegas.
My good friend is a Canadian film producer who admits that his countrymen's main drawback is an unfailing capacity to be nice, so nice in fact, you want to scream.
He's chosen to live in London, where people are edgy, sometimes rude, and there's new art galleries, funky cafes and great theatre to stimulate and engage you.
To spend six weeks (as the Sussex pair did over the Christmas holidays) on Vancouver Island surrounded by trees and a big television might be a novel experience.
But would you opt to put down permanent roots in a country where satire is non existent? Where there's no Have I got News for You or Frankie Boyle?
Meghan certainly enjoyed living in Toronto for seven years, but during that time she was constantly working on Suits and tended to hang out with her workmates.
Toronto is hardly London, but it's the centre of the civilised world compared to Vancouver or Victoria. It's not as if the empty wide spaces of Canada produce clean-living youth.
The average age they start drinking is 13 and there's a huge alcohol problem - maybe it's the lack of things to do.
I married a Canadian with family in Vancouver. To cope with my difficult mother-in-law, we spent our time fishing, sailing and staying in a log cabin on Gabriola Island.
Never again. After you've spent fourteen days walking up and down trails looking at nothing but pine trees, caught more fish than you can ever eat, and bought a sweater with a whale knitted on it, what else is there to do?
Pooing in a composting toilet has scarred me for life - but I don't imagine that's something Harry and Meghan will be experiencing, no matter how keen they might be to establish their eco-credentials.
How can this stylish couple opt for somewhere as unstylish and dreary as Canada?
What cuisine has Canada given the world - apart from Maple syrup, bacon and a disgusting dish called Poutine, which consists of cheese curds, chips and brown sauce.
Smiley Canadians also seem to have a secret chip on their shoulder, anxious that their country should be seen as equal to (if not better than) anywhere else in the world- particularly the UK and the USA.
Some Canadian newspapers have stated that the ex-royal couple can't get too grand, because that would 'impinge on Canadian Monarchy' – I think they mean that Canada doesn't want anyone Royal upstaging their Prime Minister - yes, Justin Trudeau the man notorious for his inappropriate fancy dress and who blacked up not once, but at least three times during his college years.
Harry and Meghan, it's not too late to come back home.
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