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By sporran
Membership Days Posts
#399294
Support for far-right at 20-year low if you don’t include really obvious things
SUPPORT for far-right politics in Britain is at a 20-year low if you do not include things like beliefs and ideas, researchers have found.

The Institute for Studies looked at voting patterns and membership of groups like the BNP and EDL and discovered that if that is all that matters then everything is absolutely spiffing.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We found the BNP had shrunk to the point of insignificance and so the obvious conclusion is that they all died.

“But we ran that through the computer and discovered that such a high percentage of members from the same party all dying in such a short space of time was statistically unusual.

“So we then began our quest for the Lost Tribe of the BNP.”

He added: “We packed our bags, made sure we each had a large, warm hat and set off. Two minutes later we found them.

“They all vote UKIP now. Mystery solved.”
By PaulOnBooks
Membership Days Posts
#421517
THE Daily Mash has confirmed it has bought the Financial Times for £1.2bn.

The website’s chief executive Tom Logan said the respected business newspaper was an ‘obvious fit’ and that the company had ‘exciting plans’ for its new acquisition.

He added: “We’re going to change the name of it to ‘The Paper for Twats’.”

Under the terms of the deal the FT will move from its current offices in central London to the Daily Mash’s new, multi-million pound HQ near Stroud, complete with a funky, organic canteen and huge quantities of diazepam.

Logan also revealed that the deal has been funded by a group of investment banks who had been told ‘some fairly massive lies’.

“People who work in finance really are a bunch of fucking idiots. No wonder they all read the Financial Times.”
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