By Odin's Spectacle Case I love John Crace!
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/20 ... -acid-test
Day two in the Big Brother house. The chimps are still completely out of control and have started throwing food and worse at one another. Would Andrea please come to the diary room?
What wasn’t so clear was why she imagined she was any better suited to being prime minister now, having crashed and burned so spectacularly first time around. The only possible conclusion was that she reckoned that in the intervening three years the idiot bar had lowered significantly.
...she had an absolutely foolproof Brexit plan. She would tell parliament she had a really shit, unworkable plan and that if they did not want to vote for it then she had an equally shit plan for no deal. But not to worry, as there was no chance of her becoming prime minister.
Mark Harper strode purposefully to the front and took off his jacket. As if to say: here is a man who means business. Who would give straight answers to straight questions. The first of which was just who the hell he was. Not even his family always got that one right.
“Aha,” said Harper. The very fact he was completely unknown – other than for having had to resign as immigration minister for employing an illegal immigrant – was what made him just the person to lead the Conservatives and deliver Brexit. He would just wander up to Angela Merkel and say: “Hi, I want to do a deal,” and she would reply: “Sure. Danke fuck you aren’t Boris or Michael or Jeremy.” And that would be that. A deal would be done sometime in the next six months or so. It was no more incredible than anything anyone else had come up with.
Something rather more hallucinatory was on offer later. Tugging on his opium pipe, Rory Stewart had hired a circus tent on London’s South Bank. To go out with a bang. Or a bong. And what visions Rory the Ringmaster had on offer to a packed house of 600! Here was a possibility of a united Britain. A Xanadu where people came together to settle their Brexit differences through a citizens’ assembly. Where people felt a sense of shame at the state of hospitals, schools and prisons. Where conviction and seriousness walked hand in hand. Where binary politics dissolved into a purple haze of peace and love.
It was by far the best speech any Tory candidate had made. One which offered a real sense of leadership. Only it will never catch on, as the party Rory the Ringmaster wants to lead is not the Conservative party. It’s the Lib Dems, or something like them. And in his heart he knows that. Towards the end, when the visions were less intense, reality began to seep in. He admitted that his middle ground was a lost cause in a contest where Boris Johnson was favourite. The Ringmaster was no match for the elephant. Whether in the room or out. He even said he would back a Labour bill to take no deal and prorogation off the table.